Ontario's Grand Plan: Paving Paradise and Parking for Progress

Ontario Place, the land of dreams and controversy! It seems the province is absolutely committed to forging ahead with its grand redevelopment plan, despite the fact that it's been met with about as much enthusiasm as a cat at a dog show.

In an act of sheer bravado, Ontario Minister of Infrastructure, Kinga Surma, has proudly announced that they're doubling down on their contentious scheme. But of course, they've got a perfectly logical reason for this: "feedback from the City of Toronto, Indigenous communities, stakeholders, and community members." Yep, it's the classic "ignore the angry mob and keep going" strategy. Bold move, Minister Surma, bold move.

Surma's statement boasts about the extensive public consultations since 2021, where over 9,200 people apparently participated. It's just a small oversight not to mention that most of these participants were passionately shouting, "No!" It's like throwing a party and celebrating that your guests are actually protesters picketing outside your house.

But let's not forget the crown jewel of this redevelopment plan: the Ontario Science Centre. They're relocating it. Yes, because nothing says "scientific progress" like uprooting a beloved institution from its home and plonking it somewhere else. But don't worry, it'll be integrated with the Cinesphere and an underground parking facility. Because nothing gets your neurons firing like the smell of exhaust fumes and the dulcet tones of cars rumbling beneath your feet.

Photo by Narciso Arellano on Unsplash

Speaking of cars, they're also planning a massive underground parking component. Because if there's one thing Ontario needs more of, it's places to park cars. The only thing missing is a car-themed amusement park where you can ride bumper cars while waiting for your car to get parked.

And let's not forget the pièce de résistance – the Therme megaspa. It's been redesigned, supposedly in response to "almost universal opposition." Well, if that's the case, they must have redesigned it into a "Therme minispa." And yes, they're giving you a beach right next to a sewer outflow because nothing says relaxation like floating in a pool of questionable water.

But wait, there's more! The plan includes upgraded mobility options, including pedestrian bridges over "Lakeshore Boulevard." A slight misspelling, but we'll give them a pass. And there's even talk of a shuttle bus! Because walking is so 2022. Soon, you'll be able to take a shuttle bus from your car in the underground parking to the new inclusive marina.

Ah, the marina! They're promising waterside cafes, year-round restaurants, and entertainment. Because what's a marina without a nice latte and a plate of poutine? And they're engaging with boaters and marina industry experts, so you know they're serious. Expect heated debates about the best type of dockside entertainment.

But of course, with progress comes sacrifice. In this case, it's the sacrifice of a "significant amount of trees and vegetation." But don't worry, they've got a plan: for every tree they remove, they'll plant two more. It's like a twisted version of a Dr. Seuss book, where they chop down trees only to replace them with more trees. Environmentalists are probably scratching their heads right now.

And let's not forget the cherry on top of this redevelopment sundae – the promise of "an iconic tourist destination that will unite friends and families in Ontario and draw visitors from across the globe for generations to come." Yes, because nothing brings people together like arguing about the future of Ontario Place.

So, there you have it, Ontario's grand plan to turn Ontario Place into something the world has never seen before – whether the world wants it or not. Strap in, folks, it's going to be a bumpy ride, and not just because of the shuttle bus.