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Stable Genius Vivek Ramaswamy Northern Border Wall
In a dazzling display of geopolitical creativity, entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy has set his sights on a northern border wall, adding a touch of frost to the Republican presidential debate. Move over the southern wall, there's a new ice capade in town!
Ramaswamy, clearly concerned about the dangers lurking in the Great White North, insists that the northern border deserves more attention. Forget about drug labs in Mexico; the real threat apparently comes from the land of polite apologies and maple syrup. "Don't just build the wall — build both walls," he declares as if doubling down on walls is the key to national security and not, you know, addressing the root causes.
But Ramaswamy's icy ambition didn't stop there. He suggested using the military to seal tunnels constructed by trafficking gangs because nothing says military strategy like battling moose and beavers in underground hideouts.
In a stunning revelation, Ramaswamy claims to be the sole candidate who has actually visited the northern border. One can only imagine him solemnly patrolling the icy terrain, on the lookout for rogue hockey pucks and contraband maple syrup.
The proposal, however, seems to have hit a bit of a snowbank. U.S. Customs and Border Protection reports that a whopping two pounds of fentanyl have been seized in the northern border region this year. That's right, two pounds – enough to make a couple of Canadian geese slightly drowsy.
Republican lawmakers, ever vigilant, have been complaining about the northern border in the context of unauthorized migration. Because everyone knows there's a surge of Canadians trying to sneak into the U.S. for the warmer weather.
But let's not forget history's cautionary tale. Scott Walker, in the 2016 campaign, dared to muse about a Canada wall and faced merciless ridicule. Even Donald Trump, the eventual winner, thought it was a bit much. The Canadian ambassador at the time wondered how Walker intended to build a wall across the Great Lakes. A fair point, considering that building a wall on water might be a tad tricky.
Ramaswamy, undeterred by the frozen legacy of his predecessors, has embraced the idea with open arms, or perhaps open parka sleeves. His campaign has outlasted Walker's, but he's still trailing behind Trump, who decided to skip the debate, probably to build an invisible wall in his spare time.
And so, the Northern Wall saga continues, leaving us to ponder the eternal question: Is it really a crisis if you can solve it with a good-natured snowball fight?